it's just a poem

jealousy is killing my honesty, my betrayal is taunting
why me? a question with nothing but a mark
i'm trapped in a box of white walls and white ceiling
getting out is not the end, it is only the start

i have never chose this hatred, you created it
i could have loved but you turned everything to shit
i hate your laughters and the joy they always bring
i despise your happiness, but i certainly enjoy your suffering

i want pills to cure me from this psychotic rage
i want ears to console me when depression is taking over
i need warm hands to hold me when things don't seem to change
i need the trust to assure me that i will never again suffer

i don't have a problem. it's just a poem, it does not mean anything.
no need to call a shrink or whatever.

problem solved

i can't stand the state of being confined by every sense of monotony
solitary is not anymore an option, it has become the soul of my art
i can no longer bear the nature of being alone in tranquility
it's getting harder by every second of my living and aching heart

every strand of my beating vein has a riddle running through
every punch in my restless brain is the effort to find a clue
my hope vanishes when i realize how much happiness i have squander
time is pathetically wasted, my question will never have its answer

p/s: i'm back.

i swallowed valium with vodka

just got my hair dyed black for the 2nd time in 3 months. did i mention that my college sucks? can't do this, can't do that, might as well call it sekolah mara banting rather than kolej mara banting. alaa lagipon u can't blame me if i have the mat saleh genes in my chromosomes. not my fault if my natural hair is 'not that black'. heh. perasan. well i'm going back to kl today. go raya2 rumah sape2 la dulu before going back to college tomorrow. great.

nway, my previous post was really stupid and totally bogus. (dah delete dah pon) i was high from all those Valium intakes when i wrote that post. maybe washing them down with vodka tonic wasn't such a good idea. heh. kidding la. but i am a bit woozy from taking too much antibiotics in three weeks. i had to take antibiotics for my eye infection that i got from my no good brother. cehh. raya bknnye dpt duit raya. dpt sakit mate plak. at the beginning it was only my left eye that got infected, tapi lame2 both eyes jadi merah gile. then i had to take antibiotics for my ear. i grew a big nasty lump on the back of my right ear because i had it pierced last year. didn't know i was thyroid prone or pe tah name die, tak ingat. because of the lump i had to get three painful injections in three months and take big fat antibiotics that i can barely swallow without hurting my oesophagus. all mom could say was, 'padan muke'. cett.

hey don't get me wrong, i ain't complaining. i like taking pills. we looove taking pills, don't we ainna? haha. maybe i can get us both triple dose of Valium kat one of the pharmacies kat sini. don't need to get doctor's prescription to do that. yeah. it'll take the edge off boredom in kmb. toodles freedom.

bb

he died.
of too much friskies and anchovies.

the irony just doesn't escape me anymore

ironic things that happened to me during my three-week break:

1.i got an English assignment from miss nina. the question: verbal, confident and self-assured, that is how i see you. how did you become that way at such a young age?
that's an 11 on the ironic meter. hah.
2.i digi-permed my hair. didn't like it. thought it was too afro-ey kembang, so i got it straightened back when i made it clear to everyone that i was never going to get my hair straightened ever again, because straightened hair is like sticks growing out of your head. well, guess whose head is wearing those sticks now? yep. my beautiful ironic head.
3.raya was a 'blast'. no one came to our house, we didn't go to anybody's house, we didn't take any pictures and i got an eye infection from boy. an empty house means an empty pocket. great raya.
4.i woke up this morning with two big honking zits when it's just days before college starts. why can't they pop out during raya or something? no one came to our house anyway.

121205

separation

and the clock ticks off with the lemon juice that seems to be miles away
i find it difficult for me to just stare at the sun when it is almost the end of the day
as i look at the space of wealth on my torn jeans, i wonder
when is she coming?
damn, i wish that her shadow in the nearest second will be seen

but then i find myself stranded packed in this pack of sardine while i turn my music on to find some tune
it is daylight with loud chatters that i can't really hear as i am still looking for the moon
i stare at my reflection and think, will i reach my destination in time?
because i don't really know
i can't find out whether being late is or not a crime

these moments that i go through, i am sure that i cannot have them back
even if i can turn back time and hold every second of the smiles without any lack
because i know every beginning has its ending and that is the fact of life that i cannot escape
separation will come after every relationship and a story without it even i can never create

ironic

i cannot believe the irony of this picture. it's called In The Choir, by artist Michelle Kirk.

i hate singing.
at least in front of everybody.
i loathe it.
loathe it, loathe it, loathe it.
blerghhhhh.

i'm blogging, again.

yeah, gave up once.

well, i'm back.